Felt bad about the dreariness of my last post. ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A 'POSITIVITY' BLOG :/
I guess, if I'm not 'feelin it'... best just to be honest.
Anyway. I love this song. It speaks right to me.
"I'm gonna take that fear & wear it like a crown"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuBJ0QQ4dak
the road ahead: forward I go
Sunday, 29 April 2012
Not quite as 'sparkly & shiny'
Have not quite been able to MAKE myself write another blog since my last (yup... kinda a while ago). I'm thinking perhaps... maybe I was just a bit TOO upbeat in my last post :-/
Of course I have upbeat moments... but the reality that I'm living right now just is NOT as 'sparkly & shiny'. Infact, truthfully - its pretty sucky.
Ploughing on, going forward regardless. Just (unfortunately) can't say I'm 'happy' about it. My therapist says "happiness is not a given, & is not something I should be realistically aiming for right now". Mmm. While I don't disagree... I think that if I can't aim to find a little bit of happiness in small simple things on a regular basis, what IS the point??? Yeahhhhh. I've 'quit' therapy. My hearts just not in 'it' anymore. I believe that I (me, myself) have the answers (somewhere), I just need to 'keep going', surviving & dodging the curveballs life keeps throwing me. Nobody can 'fix' this for me (as much as sometimes I STILL find myself wishing that someone could)... its up to ME.
Anyone reading this (?) may be wondering "what on earth is she talking about?" I'm talking about the ongoing daily confusion that is CHOOSING to recover from an eating disorder. I didn't really want this blog to end up being all about my ed... but I need to 'put it somewhere'.
So... 'magic' mirrors, major conflicting thoughts, family stuff (illness & drama) whilst being in a completely different country plus a pretty serious lack of finance going on right now... dwelling on these things (& having time to overthink) is not helpful. I just have to put myself together & get on with it. Nothing particularly 'smile-inducing' about that.
Of course I have upbeat moments... but the reality that I'm living right now just is NOT as 'sparkly & shiny'. Infact, truthfully - its pretty sucky.
Ploughing on, going forward regardless. Just (unfortunately) can't say I'm 'happy' about it. My therapist says "happiness is not a given, & is not something I should be realistically aiming for right now". Mmm. While I don't disagree... I think that if I can't aim to find a little bit of happiness in small simple things on a regular basis, what IS the point??? Yeahhhhh. I've 'quit' therapy. My hearts just not in 'it' anymore. I believe that I (me, myself) have the answers (somewhere), I just need to 'keep going', surviving & dodging the curveballs life keeps throwing me. Nobody can 'fix' this for me (as much as sometimes I STILL find myself wishing that someone could)... its up to ME.
Anyone reading this (?) may be wondering "what on earth is she talking about?" I'm talking about the ongoing daily confusion that is CHOOSING to recover from an eating disorder. I didn't really want this blog to end up being all about my ed... but I need to 'put it somewhere'.
So... 'magic' mirrors, major conflicting thoughts, family stuff (illness & drama) whilst being in a completely different country plus a pretty serious lack of finance going on right now... dwelling on these things (& having time to overthink) is not helpful. I just have to put myself together & get on with it. Nothing particularly 'smile-inducing' about that.
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